~~OM~~

Is marriage only once in a lifetime?

We must first distinguish between marriages made in Dharma and marriages made for fun.

A Dharmic marriage is not once in a lifetime alone. It is only once, period. Dharmically connected partners find a relationship based upon the ideals of perfection. Maintaining those same ideals from lifetime to lifetime, they therefore find the same partnership over and again. Ram recognized Sita immediately; Krishna understood that Radha was his soul mate. These are examples of Dharma patnis, or relationships devoted to expressing the highest Godliness.

However, a Bhog patni, a wife for enjoyment, may stay in a marriage as long as it is enjoyable. Such a relationship would be an example of an experience which begins in pleasure and ends in pain. Obviously in these cases, there will be a multitude of partners for each person, as people will continue to search for new relationships when the enjoyment is no longer present in their current one.

How do we deal with the pain of separation? What are ways partners can cope when they are not physically with each other?

If they are really partners, then they realize that they are apart in order to achieve the objectives of the partnership. That is, they are still working together across the distance, albeit separately.

Today it is so much easier to maintain communications across vast distances. Using these channels, like the internet and phone calls, partners can remind each other how much each other's sacrifice is appreciated and thereby increase the energy of inspiration.

How important is sharing the same geographic location to a partnership?

From time to time non-verbal communication is important, so geographical proximity will be important. In order to read each other's body language, feel each other's intensities, and sense the vibrations from our partner, we will want to be in geographical proximity as much as circumstances allow.

What would be your advice to young people trying out being in relationships for the first time?

First of all, think about why you want to have a relationship. Is it because everyone else does it, or is it because you have actually found a compatible spirit, who complements your attitudes and inspires you to become better? Then go back to goal setting and paint a picture of how your relationship will expand each other's capacities. Think: what can you gain from each other, and what will you enjoy to give?

How do we learn to give up our selfishness when it comes to our partner?

If we truly imagine the greatest gift that we can offer our partner, ultimately, it is be our selfishness; in other words, the best thing we can give up and let go is our self-centeredness. We must strive to remember that the most wonderful offering, or rather, sacrifice, is that of egoism and selfish attachment, and that is the demonstration of the sincerity of our love.

How do we know when we are being selfish or simply respecting ourselves?

In my opinion, most so-called "self-respect" is actually selfishness. It generally is born out of the desire to recognize ourselves when we feel we are not getting sufficient recognition from others. However, if we always demonstrate sincere respect to others, we ourselves will always be truly respected and have no need for our own "self-respect."

Can you love a person too much?

No. Love requires that we sacrifice. Hence, the next question will be, 'Can we sacrifice too much?' Again, the answer is, 'No.' All sacrifice is an offering to God.

Can you love too many people?

No. But you can have too much misplaced attachment and too many unfounded expectations and unlimited desires, which may be destined for dissatisfaction.

In marriage, when is it time to resort to divorce? If there is the desire to stay together on both ends, can all issues be worked out?

Most marriages that end in divorce had no plan or common goal. If a couple has a plan and common goals, then all issues can be worked out. Divorce comes about when a couple no longer has anything in common. There is just separation into 'yours' and 'mine.'

What are some goals that people with separate career dreams/causes can share together? In other words, can goals be things other than physical projects?

Absolutely. Goals are not only "physical projects," but rather, any activity that partners can plan and execute together. For example, partners can have a goal of spending quality time together on a regular basis. There are many spiritual goals that partners can share as well. 'Goal' does not only refer to one's occupation or profession. Instead, we must define our goals according to the values which the partners share, not their careers.

Can a goal/effect of a partnership be to teach us to expand our empathy, to gain a more loving view of the universe and a greater sense of our places in it?

Yes, but remember that the goals of our partnership should have some verification process. If we make all of our goals altruistic in nature, then there is no way to certify that we have attained them or not; it's entirely subject to personal opinion without outside qualifications. Hence, choose goals that have a practical application. For example, if we define a goal as wanting to be in love all the time, how can we prove that we are attaining that goal? Conversely, how can we define what happens when we forget that goal, or, in other words, show the flip side? Thus, we must define the goal in question. For example, if we define our goal as wanting to spend a specific amount of time with the beloved on a regular basis, it will be easy to determine if we did or did not accomplish our goal.

What is a way to help ourselves get over our selfishness? What are things to tell ourselves at challenging moments when our immediate instinct is to speak to our own 'needs' rather than the goals at hand?

One of the first and most primary goals for us to remember is that we are striving to be a "we", not an "I." In doing so, we should ask ourselves what is in the best interests of our communities? As individuals trying to be a "we," we must think, 'What can I give, surrender, sacrifice, for the edification of our community that would really demonstrate the sincerity of my love?'

How important is officially getting married to lifelong partnerships?

Marriage is extremely important. When partners can stand before their families, their communities, the legal system, and God, and proclaim their sankalpa to work together, it intensifies the commitment tremendously. By not solemnizing a marriage, we are leaving an errors and omissions clause in our agreement, a "fallback" point if you will, so that the "What if it doesn't work out?" issue can always be addressed with the easiest and most cowardly solution.

What does our tradition's marriage ceremony signify, and what the particular rites mean?

There are a few ingredients which are common to all the Vedic marriage ceremonies, regardless of the region of India. First and foremost amongst these common links is the circumambulation of the divine homa fire, repeated seven times. This act acknowledges the surrender to Divine Consciousness on seven levels. This means that the partnership being solemnified respects that the relationship is not only "till death do us part" but is, more importantly, a union of souls which transcends our physical bodies and continues into eternity.

A bride and groom also take seven steps together, demonstrating that their partnership embodies respect on every level of consciousness. They also worship each other as deities, indicating that they share a deep and mutual respect.

Does physical intimacy make a difference to partnerships?

It most definitely does. Physical intimacy creates a special bond of attachment and thereby indelibly impacts our objectivity in relationships. When we open ourselves to such intimacy, we allow ourselves to be extremely vulnerable. That vulnerability can be extremely comforting, particularly in its enabling us to think that we can trust another individual so completely. However, it can also become a source of great pain, if our partner is perceived as using that vulnerability for manipulation.

Physical intimacy may be appropriate once the bond of trust has been truly proved in other ways. Before that, it is a gamble.

What can having children add to a partnership? What can it detract?

Having children can add the amazing experience of seeing a replica of ourselves in real time. Almost every action we see our children perform is a re-enactment of some behavior they have witnessed. That is why it is said that Mother is the first Guru and Father the second. By in large children mimic the behaviors they experience and view. Seeing our children is a wonderful opportunity to correct our attitudes and behaviors so we can be the examples we want our children to follow.

Often parents see in their children all the aspirations that they long to achieve. Frequently we condemn our children for becoming just what we ourselves have become, for assuming all the attitudes and prejudices that we, ourselves, exhibit. If we are not content with what we have become, we could very well share that discontent with the next generation. Our children have the capacity to show us just how unfulfilled we actually are, or how close to our goal we may possibly be.